This summer I gave birth to a baby. I had a c-section. It was hard on me. It was hard to go into birth knowing that I wouldn’t be able to hold my baby after birth. No immediate skin to skin contact, no talking to my newborn to calm it, no smelling, no touching, no connecting. I felt the tunnel opening. I could have gone down. Down a big big dark place. After the talk to my doctor in which she explained to me the procedure, I had a mental break down. I cried and I couldn’t stop. The voices from the dark were so loud: They are going to take my baby, they are going to cut me open and rip out my baby, I don’t want this, they are going to take my baby…
My baby was breach. I had to have the c-section so my baby and I could survive. There was no other option for me. Usually in life I always had options. Not this time. I had to except it.
A couple years ago I lived in Ethiopia and I saw all the things I had to be grateful for. At this time it was running tap water or electricity.
I asked myself what it would be like to have a c-section in Ethiopia. I saw what I had to be grateful for. I was grateful for the doctor who had chosen this field of expertise and was doing this procedure every other week. I was grateful for the nurses who took care of me and my baby after and during the birth. I was grateful for the manufacturer who had made the bed, the tools, the special lights and the investors who built the hospital.
I was scared when they cut open my belly. I was looking up at the white ceiling that had nothing to distract me and I kept saying: I am grateful for the doctor so my baby and I can live, I am grateful for the nurse so my baby and I can live, …
The midwife showed me my baby for 2 minutes and then they took it away. It was so painful but I said thank you for taking care of my baby.
I had to wait 2 hours after birth to see my baby and hold it. It was so painful. But I said thank you to the midwife who stayed with me after the c-section and watched me. I said thank you to the people who made the tape for my scar so my wound wouldn’t get infected. I said thank you for the Antibiotika.
Saying thank you kept me in the light. The c-section was so tough on my body especially since I not just had to heal, I also had to make milk and take care of my newborn. I didn’t let it happen to me, I let it be so my baby and I could live.